“Will I put the coffee on Esme, I think it is that time and you seem pretty busy.”

If I Never See Another Seville Orange…

“Sounds like a good idea, Grace. If I never see another Seville Orange, it will be too soon, however, if you do that, I can just finish tying these pips into the muslin bag for the pectin and we are ready to go for two hours gentle cooking.”

“But Esme you are making it in the pressure cooker that will not take two hours.”

“I know that Grace, and you now know that, but she thinks it is all made in the old fashioned way, after all and I quote Mrs Travers we do not want to forget the heritage of our cooking do we? Not to mention kneeling before the alter of laziness and besides I don’t want an explosion in my kitchen what would the neighbours think.”

“You are naughty Esme, the master and the mistress are essentially good people; eccentric but kind.”

“I know that Grace, but they both need careful management. And you really do not need to call them the master and the mistress.”

“It’s an old habit from back home in the Caribbean, milk and sugar, with your coffee?”

“Just the three sugars thank you and there’s some Carnation milk to finish off in the refrigerator. Makes it a bit special and there’s a bit of last week’s gingerbread in the tin, if Mr Wylie hasn’t  beaten us to it.”

Coffee Break

“Sit yourself down Esme, put your feet up.”

“Don’t mind if I do, sometimes I feel as if I am just held together with wintergreen and support stockings. Umm thank you that gingerbread is good even if I say so myself. Have you had a good morning so far with all the heavy work that used to be done by the dastardly Hilda?”

“Well yes. I have turned the mattresses in the Master and Mistress’s bedroom. Sorry I mean what Mrs Wylie calls her boudoir. I have turned the stair carpet on the first landing, given it a good going over with used tea leaves and polished the stair rods. Then I dusted the springs of Master Sebastian’s bed in his old room. I am not sure what he needs all those Mr Universe magazines for, but I put them back under the mattress. I also did a quick check for moths in his wardrobe and hung up a French maid’s outfit which had come off the hanger. There are some odd outfits in there. No wonder he didn’t take them with him to America to study method acting.”

“I know what you mean Grace and I must say I wouldn’t mind borrowing his Rita Hayworth number if I thought I could get into it. I must say I miss him; strange lad, but tidy and I could always rely on him to rub my chilblains. Could I have a spot more milk please?”

Oh Golly

“How will you know when the marmalade is ready?”

“Well after the setting point is reached, that is the difficult thing to judge but I will show you. I will need to make a second batch as the mistress, now you’ve got me at it, as Mrs Wylie likes all her preserves to be handmade. I am afraid round here serving “shop bought” is like admitting to murder. Little does she know that sometimes when we run out, I decant a little Robertson’s into a jam jar, you know the one with the free paper Golly.”

“Yes I am familiar with the free paper Golly as you call it Esme. Of course if it was not for my island in the sun there would be no marmalade and no gingerbread.”

“Oh, and why do you say that Grace?”

“It’s the sugar. It all comes from the Caribbean.”

“That’s funny Grace; around these parts we get it from  Greenock.”

“Well originally it come from plantations and was exported to Scotland. It’s what made Glasgow great and your teeth so rotten.”

Connections

“Well there is no need to be pass remarkable! Anyway I only have a partial plate, well on the top that is. Still one learns something new every day. You know Mrs Wylie’s ancestors, on her mother’s side, had property in the Caribbean as well as confectionary factories in Edinburgh and a chain of Painless Dental Surgeries.”

“Well that is most interesting Esme. So you see the connection? What was the name, out of interest?”

“MacCavity. Her cousin, that dreadful Lulubelle, is the daughter of the famous Southern Belle, Sweetie MacCavity.”

“MacCavity, you say. Now that really is most interesting. Most interesting indeed. Did it make them very wealthy?”

“Oh yes! What do think sustains this house, the rural bolt hole and the ‘Chez Nous’ shops? It certainly is not business acumen and Mr Wylie – well how can I say it? Mrs Wylie married beneath her.

Mr Wylie was brought up in a room and kitchen with a key to the lavvy on the landing, just like I have now. He just happened to be in Nice at the right time to meet his much beloved Mrs W. Of course his parents were killed in the great Custard Powder Factory explosion. He was brought up by Granny Wylie, a woman who could toss pancakes over her shoulder onto a clean cloot in a recess bed without looking. Those skills have almost died out.”

“How fascinating; more coffee?”

Don’t mind if I do. They are both out all day and she has givne me a copy of Woman, we could have a little browse?”

Aspirations

“Of course that would be a real treat. I understand it is really for the sort of lucky people who live on the new estates in semi-detached house built by Taylor Woodrow and the like. And they have new three piece suites and modular furniture, not to mention spider plants and sputnik style light fittings. Oh how I long for such a life.”

“Well Grace, I want doesn’t always get as I should know but I have had dreams too you know, and it’s good to dream. However, what could I do with a husband who was carrying on with Busty Betty in the Unnecessary Lingerie Shop down by the canal who ran away on a slow boat to China, only returning with a stiffed Lizard from Jakarta which I had made into an enviable table lamp? Then of course there’s ma son Billy and his weans. Billy goes to prison more than Mr Wylie goes to work.”

“You do not have your troubles to seek Esme and I am a firm believer that the good Lord has a plan for us all. At least we are not like these people on page 6 of Woman magazine. Look Esme, they are living in a shoe and hoping for a move up into Noah’s Ark and poor Doris Day she has to wear a jumper made up of synthetic raffia daisies! Why Esme even where I come from raffia is for those children who have to sit quietly at the back of the classroom while the others are doing the calculus and reading the novels of Dickens which are usually written by famous novelist Charles Dickens who invented the Victorians. So we should count our blessings.”

Not Really Mrs T’s Sort of Magazine

“To tell you the truth, I am more of a People’s Friend sort of woman. You know where you are with a magazine that has a front cover featuring the harbour at Rothesay. Look at this – a painted blonde who so talented with have a birthday card list on the side of the kitchen cupboard and a large manila envelope beside it containing ready to use birthday cards for all possibilities. Not of course to mention advertising risqué stories such as Man of Secrets.”

“Oh come now Esme! Look at this – here is a new and exciting recipe you can try on Mrs Wylie:

For an original and appetising sauce for fish, fry a chopped clove of garlic in olive oil, and then add about half a bottle of ketchup.  You can impress her by telling her it is just the sort of thing they are eating in Cumberland.

Oh and here this is clever, using bird seed at a wedding instead of confetti – that is so clever. How lovely to be able to get married and feed the birds. Now this should interest you, we all like to save money. What about making a cake with margarine?”

“You are quite right Grace, I really should look on the bright side. Would you like a little sloe gin to pick you up. We picked them in the autumn at the rural bolt hole when Mrs Wylie was in one of her harvesting moods. She likes the cupboards to be full in case we get a socialist government. Though how that is going to affect the hedgerows is beyond me.”

Some Good Ideas

“There really are some quite good ideas here, just look at this – Serve a packet of French onion soup with squares of fried bread dolloped with grated cheese and put it under the grill to melt. It is gorgeous and hot to come home to. I am sure my husband would like it.”

“I imagine Grace your husband must be pretty tired after a day sweeping chimneys. Tell me do people find it funny that their sweep is…”

“Rather tall and well built? Yes I imagine they do, but you know Esme these days he is not required to go up them or send a boy up, even if Mrs Wylie does think it is the answer to the hooligan problem.”

“He seems to work very hard and I am sure that one day you will have that semi-detached with the open plan staircase and room divider with spider plant. You deserve it. I think it was very brave of you coming across on that  SS Hairbrush.”

“Windrush actually, but no matter. Now look at these. Do you think either of us would get into a pair of nylon stretch pants in black and white checks? It says they fit without wrinkles and are ideal for Hula-ing. Apparently the young lady in the picture can do 1000 revolutions a minute.”

“They may start off without wrinkles but with my shape will soon have them looking as contoured as the Trossachs.  Now sip this, I put a spot of vermouth in it as well. Bottoms up!”

Women’s Special Needs

“Talking of bottoms Esme, look at this ScotTissue.  The new soft absorbent toilet tissue which answers woman’s special needs. It brings the greatest comfort in this intimate, little talked of problem at only I shilling a roll.”

“Well whatever next? Who would have thought toilet paper would have been the subject of such a large advertisement? It’s true. I mean I only have to sneeze and I am dashing to what Mrs Wylie calls the lavatory.  I blame oor Billy. The midwife said she had never experienced such a labour outside Edinburgh Zoo. Well one thing’s for sure; he’s spent a lot of time behind bars since. More gin?”

“Oh you are a comic Esme; don’t! My sides are hurting and if you are not careful I shall have to run for the Scottissue. You know it says it was first made in America where woman’s health and well being are more cared for than anywhere.  Yes, trust the Americans to understand comforting absorbency and blissful softness.”

“Yes that’s the Yanks for you. I remember when they were over here and come to think of it just about over everywhere. The things I did for chewing gum and nylons.”

“Oh do tell!”

“I couldn’t Grace; I couldn’t…. Well during the blitz I was thrown into the arms of the Royal Engineers.”

“Which one?”

“Most of them I think. Little top up?”

 Too Many Tins and Packets and Too Little Attention

“You know Esme, there are an awful lot of adverts for packets and tins in this magazine. I wonder why?”

“Perhaps Grace it’s the sort of thing that goes with open plan staircases and furniture with sticky oot legs. I mean look at this an ‘open sandwich’. Now what in the name of the wee man is that? Look – take one piece of bread , put three pieces of cheese on it  and make a pattern of tomato ketchup on top.

Apparently it looks and tastes wonderful. It’s Scandinavian. Oh my, what’s that smell? ”

“It’s the marmalade Esme; it’s burnt and all over the cooker.”

“So it is Grace so it is….”

Later

“Mrs Travers that’s us home, what’s for suppa?

“Good evening Master and the Mistress, supper is served. It is homemade French soup with tasty squares of cheese melted under the grill with Scandinavian open sandwiches to follow with a special tomato sauce pattern.”

“Mrs Travers, are you quite well? And where is Grace who does the heavy work since the evil Hilda departed?”

“She has just popped out to the Co-op, but she will be back soon.”

“Tell me is the Seville orange marmalade made?”

“Oh indeed mistress – just waiting to decant, I mean bottle, the last lot. Grace is staying on to do the labels she has lovely handwriting you know.”

“Jasper it has been such a busy day I wouldn’t mind a gin and tonic before our Scandinavian supper. Sloe gin I think.”