“Good Morning.
This is the 10 o’clock news from the B.B.C. Scottish programme, on the Home Service. It is Friday 14th December 1959.
Scotland has been hit by gales and there is widespread snow. The weather is so bad it has been impossible to deliver The People’s Friend to Mrs McPail on Vatersay. She has been looking forward to the free knitting pattern for a matinee jacket with matching pram set in lemon 2 ply and the recipe for spam fritters.
Jeremy Thorpe, M.P. for North Devon, which is quite near Cornwall, has been refused entry to Spain. He was to present a petition to General Franco demanding the release of political prisoners and an end to policemen who wear hats like Mickey Mouse ears. The petition has been signed by leading members of the artistic community including film producer and Ealing Studios’ head, Sir Michael Balcon; writer Miss Vera Brittain; Lord Beveridge, the economist and social reformer who went to a very good school and varsity; Benjamin Britten the composer who is a very good friend of singer Peter Pears with a tendency to theatricality; Mr Victor Gollenz who publishes books in a bright yellow; Mr Henry Moore who chips away at stone and Mr John Osborne the very angry playwright. As these are all lefties, to be honest, they have nae chance.
The Generalissimo is reported to have said, ‘Hola – I am not having these people in my country! The next thing you know is seňoritas will be lounging about the beaches in their skimpy unnecessaries acquired from Busty Betty’s down by the Forth and Clyde Canal and there will be pale ale and pickled onions on the Costa Brava.’
Following their disastrous defeat at the General Election on 8th October, the Labour Party has decided it needs to reshape itself in line with voters who gave Conservative Harold Macmillan the task of leading the country. Mr Macmillan believes that the British people have ‘never had it so good’. However, the socialists who have never had it so bad – losing three elections in a row despite offering virtually everyone free false teeth and round spectacles even if they don’t need them. ‘The British public’, said the newly elected MP for east Finchley, ‘are not fooled by false teeth as the bedrock on which to build a post war nation.’ Or at least words to that effect.
The meeting to take place at Transport House will discuss the vexed matter of state theft or clause 4 which demands the public ownership of the means of production, distribution and exchange. The task of reshaping the Labour Party is to be shared by Mr Harold Wilson, who smokes a pipe, and Mr Aneurin Bevan who first came up with the idea of free false teeth.”
“Mrs Travers would you please put the wireless off; it is giving me a headache and there is nothing we can do about the weather. That Mr Thorpe looks shifty to me, it’s the velvet collared coats. And as to the Labour Party, well who is fooled by their come and get it antics?”
“Mr Wylie for one.”
“Mr Wylie has no business sense. Someone has to pay for all these teeth.”
“Och Mrs W, yous could afford a penny on the income tax nae bother.”
“Mrs Travers that is the sort of language that led to Bolshevism and free school milk. How are those canapés coming on?”
“Very well, I have made the parsley butters and cut the lemon baskets. The little sausages are grilled and the cheese straws are just about done. So your Christmas cocktail party is on track.”
“Marvellous and don’t forget – no salted nuts to be served without spoons. Remember we can never be certain where men’s hands have been. Shall we stop for a coffee?”
“Don’t mind if I do Mrs W, do yous fancy a wee scone?”
“Yes, its along time since my lemon juice and crisp bread.”
“A wee diet, is it?”
The People’s Friend
“Just a bit of cutting back. I need to get into a new dress. The A line is so unforgiving, even with the best foundation garments money can buy.”
“I have not noticed Mr Wylie cutting back.”
“No, he refuses nothing but blows.”
“Is that the paper?”
“Yes, Mrs W and the paper boy gave me a free copy of The People’s Friend as they cannae get ‘em oot to Vatersay, wherever that is.”
“Look at the map, it’s on one of the sticky oot bits.”
“Aye so it is, Scotland has lots of sticky oot bits when yous think aboot it. Och that will do our Billy’s wife, Sharon.”
“What will?”
“A free knitting pattern for a pram set and matching matinee jacket.”
“You are surely not telling me she is enceinte again?”
“Aye, oor Billy got parole for good behaviour.”
“Mrs T, has your family ever considered self -control?”
“Aye, we tried the once, but keeping tropical fish turned oot ti be mair expensive. Do yous fancy spam fritters for tea?”
“No, I do not. I expect that’s the sort of thing Mr Wilson and Mr Beveridge eat at Transport House.”
“It’s nice wi’ chips and a bit of brown sauce, HP of course.”
“Mrs Travers one would sometimes think you were a Labour voter.”
“No not me Mrs W, working class Tories to the core, after all they know how to spend the money.”
“You don’t fancy Mr Wilson, then?”
“No never trust a man wi’ a pipe Mrs W; it usually means he is having a fling with his secretary.”
“Oh no Mrs T! Even if he is a socialist, he was head boy at school and went to Oxford which is quite the best varsity.”
“There’s yer coffee an’ scone.”
“This is interesting – it says here that there is a changing attitude to food preparation in Britain and that our food has changed since the last unpleasantness. Bread and jam, it seems, are on the way out but canned fruit, evapoated milk and sugar consumption are on the increase.”
“Do they say why Mrs Wylie? After all ‘they’ know everything, especially those ‘theys’ that write for The Glasgow Herald.”
“It seems higher wages have played a part.”
“Really? Well no here.”
“What’s that?”
“Nothin’.”
“The trend is also due to the increasing use of the tin opener.”
“Who are ‘they’?”
“Liberals, I imagine.”
“I don’t care for they velvet coat collars, makes ‘em look shifty.”
“Couldn’t agree more. Can I have a top up please? They are saying here that the tin opener is just the start and that the two most likely developments will be in frozen and dehydrated foods. This will slash the costs of transport and storage and at the point of sale goods will be displayed on open shelves.”
“That’s jist an invitation tae shoplifters. Anyway who likes dehydrated food? It’s like the Labour Party – fine in post war reconstruction, but not something you would want for good. I mean Mrs W, remember all that dried egg and potato? It was awful. No, the public don’t trust anything that seems too free and easy. Although I have been known to give oor Billy a packet o’ that dehydrated soup.”
“Well how do you think he would cope with dehydrated steaks? Apparently at the Ministry of Agriculture and Food’s research station in Aberdeen they have spent the past 4 years perfecting the dehydrated one inch thick steak. It is reconstituted in minutes and when cooked cannot be distinguished from a normal steak. To be honest it sounds very Aberdeen. I think living amongst all that granite and fish does something to their heads.”
“What about lamb? I like a bit of roast lamb and mint sauce.”
“Well it might be your lucky day Mrs T, as they have turned their attention to lamb. Sliced roast lamb can be reconstituted by soaking it in water for 5 minutes after which it becomes an attractive product. Perhaps that is what the Labour Party should do?”
“What, soak itself in water?”
“Well it would be a start, but no I meant reconstitute itself into something electable. If you can bring to life a packet of dried minestrone soup by adding water, then anything is possible.”
“You might then get a Labour Government.”
“Under Harold Wilson? I don’t think so Mrs T! Goodness whatever next – accessible universities, comprehensive schooling, the white heat of technology, equal pay for women! No Mrs T, it would be teeth and glasses, the country would be ruined inside 12 months.”
“Sounds good though.”
“Cooeee! I am home, any coffee?”
“Oh, hello Jasper did you get the sherry for the party?”
“Yes, and the vermouth and the gin etc. etc. and a packet of soup, though it might be useful in the shed – you just add water and it comes to life. They have it on Everest. Oh that gingerbread looks nice. Here Mrs T, there’s a free People’s Friend. Apparently, they cannot get them to Vatersay, whereever that is, because of the weather. There’s a free knitting pattern for a pram set and matching matinee jacket not to mention a recipe for Spam Fritters. I love spam, any chance?
“No.”
“Thought not. Thanks I will take my coffee into the study. I am going to write to Harold Wilson. I have some ideas about reconstituting the Labour Party, what about a University everyone could go to and equal pay for women, we could build on free teeth and glasses, that is such a foundation. What do you think ladies? ”
“About as much chance as you getting Spam fritters for suppa Jasper. Who is going to pay for this?”
“We could.”
“Why?
“How about one word – fairness and one idea.”
“What have you got in mind Jasper”
“Hope, Muriel. Hope.”
Muriel Wylie, Jasper Wylie, Mrs Travers – The Kitchen Cabinet
December 1959
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