“That’s me away then Muriel.”
“Very well Dahling, and don’t get into mischief. I would come and give you a big kiss, but I am up to my eyes with baking for the church, along with preparing salmon mousse and prune whip for suppa. ”
“Not to worry, I’m only going into town for a couple of hours not two years to the Transvaal.”
“What’s that? I can’t hear; the Morphy Richards is going full pelt. Let me turn it off a moment. What was that Jasper?”
“I said – each moment we are apart is like an eternity and I cannot wait to try the prune whip.”
“You are lying Jasper, not about each moment away from me being an eternity, that has the ring of truth about it and is perfectly understandable, but I am fully aware of your feelings about summer suppers and prunes in particular. That said you cannot eat steak pie and apple crumble the entire year or your trousers and jackets will have to be let out. Mrs Travers indulges you too much. No, I am going for light and easy in August.”
“Does that include chipped potatoes?”
“There will be a nice crisp salad and a few new Ayrshires if you are lucky sprinkled with chopped syboes.”
“Well there’s something worth living for.”
“Sarcasm does not become you Jasper. You will thank me when Dr Payne pronounces you fit and healthy. Now here is a list of a few of things I need. Don’t forget Gayle’s Suncrush. She has to learn life isn’t all fresh home-made lemonade. Some of her new school chums will only be used to diluting orange. And if you are passing the butcher tell him if that was Aberdeen Angus then I am a Dutchwoman.”
“Yes Dearest; arrivederchi.”
“Good morning Mr Wylie, how may I help you?”
“Could I pay the papers please, and do you have a box of Quality Street?”
“Treating the good lady, are we?”
“No, Bert not this time, this is a small note of appreciation for my Historical Society Secretary, well volunteer secretary, Mrs Dangerfield, who has been a tower of strength in the cataloguing of the Bronze Age balls.”
“That reminds me I think I need to renew my membership of The Hysterical, I mean the Historical Society. When is it due?”
“Oh, not until October Bert, so don’t worry. Mrs Dangerfield will be sending you a reminder along with the syllabus.”
“I cannot wait until the new season. Anything exciting?”
“Well I don’t want to say too much at this stage and spoil the surprise, but shall we say Drove Roads and Napoleonic Graves have been mentioned.”
“Really, but didn’t we have Drove Roads last year and indeed, come to think of it, the year before.”
“Yes, but this would be an update.”
“Oh, good well that’s something to look forward too one can never hear too much about Drove Roads. I don’t suppose there will be anything about Roofing Materials and Techniques?”
“Funny you should say that, but Mrs Dangerfield has a contact who has a contact who is a leading authority on Nail Rot. Please though Bert, not a word to Bessie. It’s in the early stages of negotiation and if the news got out it might lead to disappointment.”
“I understand Mr Wylie, Mum’s the word. By the way, my wife has just taken the details of a new resident who wants The Times and is apparently an expert on the Pyramids, she thinks he might be a good speaker.”
“Possibly Bert, but the pyramids are not local, there could be ructions, look what happened when we had Stonehenge.”
“Very true Mr Wylie, that brought the last committee before one to its knees. Now here is Mrs Wylie’s Vogue and Spectator.”
“Thank you, but could you deliver? I am going for a hair cut and have to change my books and I don’t want to carry anything else.”
“Will I have the paper boy bring the Quality Street as well?”
“No, I had better take those. And could I please have The Racing Times? It will give me something to read at the barbers.”
“Herr Vylie you are next.”
“Good morning Herr Kutz, good to see you.”
“Alvays a pleasure Herr Vvlie, you vant zee usual.”
“Ja! I mean yes and why are we speaking like this? You’re not even German.”
“I know Mr Wylie but it’s good for business. It suggests efficiency, cleanliness and properly disinfected combs.”
“Well I suppose we all need a gimmick.”
“Planning an interesting holiday Mr Wylie? The Black Forrest perhaps very good for zee cuckoo clocks and little peoples coming in and out of zee little vooden houses.”
“No, but Mrs Travers our vuman vat does, but not zee lot – I must stop this, it’s infectious – has gone to Blackpool. I did get Mrs Wylie there once and it was rather fun. Probably the nearest I’ll ever get her to the gee-gees!
On the whole Mrs Wylie prefers to travel out of season. Although we are planning a night in that London as Mrs Wylie wants to see Oliver.”
“I thought your nephew, the thespian, was called Sebastian?”
“He is, no I mean the new musical Oliver. It’s by Lionel Bart and is based on the famous Dickensian book by the best-known Dickensian of all Charles Dickens. It is at ‘The New Theatre’ in the West End and has been getting very good reviews. Ron Moody is Fagin – playing it for comedy rather than emphasising the essential wickedness of Dickens’s character. Georgia Brown who I like, is Nancy and a Barry Humphries plays Mr Sowerby, the undertaker. Lots of great songs I believe.”
“Sounds good, if you think a workhouse makes a good musical, but I am more of a Lex Mclean at The Pavilion man myself. You cannae beat Glasgow humour. Just a minute that’s Mr Macaulay your neighbour back, he must have left something.”
“And did he?”
“Did he what?”
“Leave something?”
“No, he just wanted something for the weekend.”
“Really, but he and Mrs Macaulay are barely on speaking terms at the best of times, let alone the weekend.”
“Well that’s what I heard too. However, they say that new woman Mrs Dangerfield has been helping him with his promotional work, Apparently, she knows quite a lot about construction work and says Mr Macaulay is too embedded in concrete and is helping him to move into extruded aluminium. Do you know her?”
“Hmm, sort of. She’s been helping with the History Society.”
“Oh, that reminds me Mr Wylie, the new subscriptions must be due. Do you want me to pay now. That was cracking season last year. Who would have thought that there was so much to five bar gates, and to think it was all done with 250 slides and an unexpected power cut. Much better than that chap from a few years ago that went on about Stonehenge.”
“Some people just have the gift of presentation, but don’t worry about the subscription. Mrs Dangerfield has been typing up the envelopes.”
“Presumably when she hasn’t been helping to extrude Mr Macaulay’s aluminium?”
“Indeed, now this didn’t come from me but there is a slight possibility that we might be having something up your street.”
“What would that be?”
“Well Mrs Dangerfield has a connection who has a connection in wigs and does a lecture on the history of false hair.”
“Well that should keep the ladies happy. I shall tell Frau Kutz and I could bring my collection of wig blocks.”
“Steady we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, no promises, just a strong indication.”
“I understand. Mum’s the word, that will be 5 shillings please.”
“Ah Mr Wylie, my favourite member. You know how to detract a woman from her Brown issue trays. Now what are returning?
“Muriel Spark’s The Ballad of Peckham Rye.”
“What did Mrs Wylie think? I am judging by your face not a lot. Now Miss Spark is an acquired taste and of course Mrs Wylie is not one of our regular members. Unfortunately recovering each book for her personally before issue is not something we offer at present due to budget restrictions on the part of Glasgow Corporation. I can, however, promise to give the cover a quick going over with methylated spirits for her in future if that helps. I am sure they wouldn’t do that at Boots.”
“Well actually they tend to, Mrs Wylie has told them that Socialists are readers too.”
“I see, well how about a brand-new book The L Shaped Room by Lynne Read Banks, it’s about a modern woman. What are you returning? Oh, Lawrence Durrell’s Bitter Lemons, what did you think?”
“Very good; makes me want to go to Cyprus. I loved the description of him trying to buy a house there, paying with notes, thick notes, as thick as honeycomb, as thick as salami.”
“He does have a way with words.”
“I imagine that is why he is a writer.”
“Very droll, Mr Wylie very droll. Rather a conservative though I imagine, seeing as he sees resistance and uprising by the oppressed as a feast of unreason.”
“Indeed, I imagine he has few friends among Greeks or Turks there. Even the British Government there he presents as indolent. It will be interesting to see what happens after independence next week. Trouble I imagine.”
“We seem to have left a trail of trouble everywhere Mr Wylie. Now talking of Durrell. Would you like the latest in his Alexandria Quartet. Its newly published and is called Clea. I have also kept for you Stan Barstow’s A Kind of Loving for a bit of realism and you have on reserve John Wyndam’s The Trouble with Lichen, which is very popular so I am afraid only on loan for 5 days.”
“Time and tide I am afraid.”
“That reminds me, talking of time passing I was about to telephone you regarding the History Society subs which must be about due. However, that Mrs Dangerfield was in and she said she was now in charge of membership and a wee billet-doux would be coming out in due course.”
“Yes indeed, she’s very efficient.”
“Anything exciting coming up in the syllabus?”
“Well don’t say a thing, and I know I can trust you, but Mrs Dangerfield has a contact in publishing who knows someone who writes about Unknown Scottish Women Writers of the 19th century.”
“Splendid just my sort of thing, but they could not surely all be local. There might be ructions. Remember Stonehenge?”
“How can I forget, but I am prepared to go out on a limb, and we could also have Bunty Haystack selling her crime fiction and she is pretty local and most of her murders are local.”
“A stroke of genius Mr Wylie. I am quite excited now. I may have to spend the afternoon in western fiction, I may even purchase The Shadow’s Apache on the way home and have a gin and bitter lemon, before I get down to my hot poker work! Now remember 5 days for the Wyndam. Give my best to Mrs Wylie and apologies about Peckam Rye. Oh by the way, well its nothing really, but that Mrs Dangerfield always wants to know what Mrs Wylie is reading and orders the same books.”
Toodle pip
Jasper Wylie
August 1960
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